Earlier this week I posted this thought to my personal Facebook page…
The truth is, Christmas is not the most magical time of the year for me. It’s stressful. And not in that “oh I’m so busy and there is so much going on” kind of way. It’s much deeper than that. More emotional. It’s a darker, sometimes lonely feeling. One with roots that were planted decades ago.
Through the years, not wanting to pass my own negative associations with the holidays on to my daughters, I’ve done my best to fake it. As they have gotten older, and as I have gotten older and gotten less and less concerned about what others think, keeping up the charade is getting more and more difficult. My self talk about that fact has not always been kind and has resulted in a fair amount of internalized guilt for casting a shadow over a season that should be filled with joy and light for them.
A few years ago I was talking to a friend about some struggles I was having in a relationship near and dear to me. As I was telling her about the generally feeling of disconnect I was experiencing, she asked me about the other person’s love language. I had never heard of the concept of love languages, which is pretty amazing considering a significant portion of my home library contains what many would consider “self help” books. My interest in the human body doesn’t just stop at the boundaries of the physical being, I’m also very interested in how our minds and spirits work. As my friend explained the different types of love languages, I was embarrassed that I couldn’t not confidently say what I thought the individual’s main love language was with whom I was struggling to feel connected. How was that even possible after knowing that person for 20+ years? Over the next few days I went into researcher mode. I grew my home library. I took the online test. I started to think of my connections with others in a way I’d never considered before. No only did it help me mend some fences in the relationship with which I was struggling, it has affected how I approach all of the close relationships I have in my life. Including my relationship with my self.
My main love language is acts of service, followed by quality time. Clear down at the other end of the spectrum, barely registering at all is receiving gifts. I’ve been thinking about my love languages a lot over the past week as I’ve tried to pin point why my holiday bah-hum-bug feelings are stronger this year than normal. And it’s been a good reminder to extend kindness towards my own self.
Even though I have always tried to make the season about so much more than gifts, it is hard to steer away from that focus in our current culture. From TV and radio ads, to my email inbox, to my social media feeds, life is full of reminders about how many days we have left this holiday season to buy STUFF to wrap up one’s holiday gift giving list. In all actuality, I’d prefer not to have a holiday gift giving list at all! It’s not that I don’t enjoy giving gifts to others, I simply prefer it to be a more organic process of giving for no other reason that because I want to honor that person in that moment with something that I think they would appreciate, whether that something be a thing or an experience. On the flip side, receiving gifts this time of year is just as stressful for me. Most likely, unless you are a member of my immediate family, I do not have a gift to give in return. Receiving without anything to gift in return often leaves me feeling inadequate. And I’m notoriously hard to buy for. I’m sensitive to many scented products, super picky about clothes, and when it comes to home decor, I prefer items with a purpose (like books) or a story (like vintage items or art gathered during our travels) over simply things that look nice. In the past I have proposed the concept of a gift free holiday season to family, but having married into a family whose love language is strongly tied to the exchange of gifts, it’s simply not going to happen.
This season my love language scale feels all out of balance. A shortage of both time and financial resources as I am working to establish a new business has kept me from doing acts of service for and spending quality time with others who recharge my batteries. Physically distant friends with whom I normally find time to connect with every few months have not been visited. I was not able to spend time with my Nebraska and Colorado family over the Thanksgiving holiday as normal, and my heart has been dearly missing them. Missing the meals prepared and then enjoyed together. Missing the laughs shared late into the night around the game table. Missing the craziness that comes with twin toddler nieces.
On some level I have made peace with the fact this year is just gonna be a year off balance. I’ve given myself permission to shed tears when needed (like as I wrote that whole last paragraph). I’ve acknowledged that whatever gifts can be purchased, whether because of time or money constraints, will be enough. When my inner critic starts to raise her voice about my level of Grinchiness this year, I’m trying to calmly remind her to be gentle with her thoughts and words. And I haven’t lost sight of the fact that the greatest gift I will get next week is time. Time to spend with my little family in our old perfectly, imperfect house, with our critters, simply loving each other, remembering our blessings, and talking about our hopes and dreams for the new year to come. Days spent in PJs with hot cocoa in hand and a board game or puzzle permanently taking up space on the dining room table. Time to just be, and to just be together.
During the craziness of the season, whether you find this time of year easy or not so much, may you also find time to extend kindness towards yourself and celebrate the gifts that are near and dear to your heart. Gifts that can not be bought or wrapped. May you find joy, and light, and love over the next few days, and always.
Merry Christmas and happiest of holidays to you and yours!
peace
JMavin Massage 